NO FAST PASS NEEDED (My Disney “Never Do” List)

Most of us who have been to Disney World numerous times have fallen into a routine. Do you hit Fantasyland or Adventureland first in the Magic Kingdom? (Fantasyland.) Do you go straight to the World Showcase at EPCOT or explore Future World? (World Showcase.) I’m the first to admit that I’m a stubborn guest. I’m also pretty hard to impress. Estelle and I have a running joke that if we were living in a world of Disney American Idol, she would be Paula — the nice judge that likes to give everything a chance. I’m more like Simon. If you don’t wow me in the first five minutes, I will rudely interrupt you and say thanks, but no thanks. Lately, I’ve been trying to wait a bit longer before pulling my Gladiator-esque thumbs up or down judgement call (Estelle’s open mind is sloooowing rubbing off) but in the end, I like what I like.

Also, dissimilar to my partner-in-crime, I don’t have a love for resort TV-waaaay-too-chipper Stacey Aswad. She likes EVERYTHING and I know that essentially, that is her job, but I just find that too hard to believe. As you can see, I’m going to be rather opinionated about my “Never-Do” list and I hope I don’t offend anyone. Experiences and tastes are different and while you may not like my favorite ride — the TTA People Mover (Estelle- I’m talking to you) — I won’t lift an eyebrow when you tell me that you never miss a trip to the Hall of Presidents. (But really? Seriously?)

Peter Pan’s Flight

This has been an enigma to me ever since I first waited an hour on line for it (circa 1997). Can somebody PLEASE explain the fascination with this attraction to me? I admit, the Pirate Galleons are neat. The ride itself is cute. Yes, cute. I’m not blown away. I don’t sit there in awe as I watch the scenes from Peter Pan unfold before me with the aid of black lights and fiber optics. It’s only 2 minutes and 45 seconds for crying out loud! So the fact that this classic ride has a FASTPASS continues to elude me. Maybe one day, when I bring my kids to the park, the magic will overtake them, but they’ll be annoyed to know that Daddy will be the one waiting on line with them because Mommy refuses to. If you need her, she’ll be at Mickey’s Philharmagic, thanks.Mission: SPACEI’m not afraid of thrill rides. I’m willing to try any roller coaster once and I even think Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster at Hollywood Studios is a bit tame, but none of that bravado was with me when I came out of Mission: SPACE. Of course this was BEFORE that green card, orange card business. There was ONE ride and about a million signs and warnings of possible motion sickness. But did I listen to any of them? Psh. BRING IT ON! I honestly don’t remember what my “role” was in the space ship, but after the first minute of not being able to breathe, I was sure the flight would go on without my pushing the lit up button. I was more concerned with, like, not throwing up everywhere. So instead of joining in with my friend Kevin’s gleeful laughter, I shut my eyes tight and tried some breathing exercises that would make a woman in labor jealous. Afterwards, I had a horrible headache and Kevin and I had to take it easy for awhile. Not even the promise of seeing Gary Sinise in a space suit has brought me back since.

Lights, Motors, Action! Extreme Stunt Show

Estelle did a wonderful job in explaining why this is a skipable attraction (we actually agree on something! Woo hoo!) so I don’t need to go into it any further. Suffice to say, I actually fell asleep watching this once. I kid you not.

Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular!

I figure it was easier to say this than MuppetVision 3D because I would like Estelle to keep speaking to me after this. I admit, this show bores the living daylights out of me. I do enjoy the first few minutes when they renact that scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark (I always think of Full House when DJ thought she saw Steve on stage!) but that’s where the appreciation ends. Why are you ruining the magic for me? I really don’t need to know the details of how they create the special effects or the stunts. It’s OK to leave me in the dark and let me marvel at the scenes in all my viewer ignorance.

Animal Kingdom

Yes, I mean like the entire park as a whole.

Well, that’s not entirely true, but let me first explain one thing- I’m from New York. We have the Bronx Zoo here and it’s a pretty spectacular place. Does it have a Tree of Life? No. Does it have Disney characters? Well, no that would be odd, wouldn’t it? (Although I did hear that the Vacation Club does have a kiosk there. Smart thinking, guys.) While the Bronx Zoo is obviously lacking in Disney trappings, it DOES have amazing animal exhibits. When I walk into Animal Kingdom, oddly enough, I can’t help but compare them. Now I know you’re thinking, “Is this girl nuts or what?” Let me say that the way some people view Disney World as their childhood go-to vacation destination, that’s how I see the Bronx Zoo (only I didn’t have to deal with the long plane ride).

Most of the attractions I could live without as well. Kali River Rapids? When I develop gills and enjoy being completely soaked from head to toe, then I will enjoy this ride. As for Expedition Everest — is it weird when you enjoy the entrance queue more than the actual ride itself? I don’t always have the best of luck on the jungle trek and the allure of DinoLand USA is lost on me for obvious reasons. I do however adore the Finding Nemo Musical and will trek to the hot swamplands if only to see that amazing 30-minute show.

Disney Snacks

Dole Whip – I hate Pineapple so save your gasps of indignation.

Turkey Leg – I’ve just never been THAT hungry. This will go on the possible to-do list though. As result, I will forgo dinner that night.

Churros – My teeth HURT just looking at those things.

* * *

So that’s my list. There was more that I could have commented on, but I don’t want to look like a hater or anything. Despite what you may think after reading this, I adore Disney World. There is still so much I haven’t done or restaurants I have yet to eat in. I find that every time I visit, the parks surprise me in one way or another. Whether I LIKE those surprises is a different story entirely. You may agree with my views or not, but I think it’s amazing that after all this time, the parks themselves still spark these kinds of discussions among guests.

Oh, and the last time I was there, I FINALLY visited the Hall of Presidents. Not bad… I guess.

3 thoughts on “NO FAST PASS NEEDED (My Disney “Never Do” List)

  1. Hilarious! Thanks so much for sharing. TTA is my favorite. 🙂 And, I agree with all of your list- except Animal Kingdom and churros!

  2. You are funny. I completely agree with you on most points. I love Peter Pan, but I think that is a reliving-my-2nd-childhood thing. I loved Expedition Everest. I have never seen Nemo (no booing please). And I would trade my first born for a Dole Whip. 🙂 You are fun to read. Keep them coming!

  3. I adore Peter Pan but I suspect that has to do with childhood trips to MK. As for Animal Kingdom, I can go an entire trip and not set foot in the park. I do love Nemo the Musical though.

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